integrating my birth story
My son will be four years old this month. I typed out his birth story four days after he was born. I go back and read it a few times a year but it’s on my mind often. As a doula, I am surrounded by birth all the time. It’s hard not to think about my own experience. I have learned many things during my time as a doula that now give me pause when I consider my birth.
Integrating your birth story is not a one-and-done situation for most people. Giving birth is an experience that will continue to shape you for the rest of your life. I think it’s healthy to return to those moments and reassess, if needed. Each time I return to my birth story it is with a new lens and a new piece of information that begs integration. I’m sure there will be many more over the years, but these are the ones that stand out to me.
Deeper states of consciousness. Labor and birth is often depicted as a journey up a mountain, but sometimes it can feel more like cave diving. I went deeply into myself during labor. Very few words from outside reached me. Earlier this year I stumbled across Whapio the Matrona and her work regarding altered states of consciousness in birth. We spend most of our daily lives in beta brainwaves, our thinking and doing brain. But during labor and birth, we sink down to delta - the deep unconscious where our unborn babies spend their time. This is very much where I went during labor and to finally have a name for it is amazing. Birth flows best when we release our thinking brain and return to our primal roots.
Rest is important. I remember spending a lot of time side-lying on the couch at home. There was movement too - time on the birth ball and stairs. Once we got to the birth center though, I remember much less rest. From my own memory and my husband’s account of the birth, I was constantly rotated between the toilet, shower, bed with the peanut ball, and birth tub. I wonder sometimes if I was moved too often, that I should have been encouraged to rest more. While I didn’t reach the point of total exhaustion, I know I was close. I also wish I had tried to sleep more at home.
Cervical lip and pushing. During a cervical check, one of the midwives said I had a cervical lip. I consented to them pushing it back and that was the one and only time I remember actually being in pain during my entire labor. After that I was apparently encouraged to start pushing (I have no memory of that - I was deep in Laborland). Two points to make here. First is that cervical lips aren’t a thing. Your cervix dilates back to front, so there is naturally a bit that might take some time to melt away. Second is that I had no urge to push. I’m glad I wasn’t really hearing anyone and that I didn’t push quite yet. It was not the right time for pushing. My son came out quite wrapped up with his cord around his chest and neck (three times). I firmly believe that if I had pushed prematurely, there could have been dire consequences. Some babies come out quickly but I think he needed the extra time since there was little slack in his cord.
Meconium isn’t necessarily a bad thing. When my son emerged it was with a gush of meconium stained fluid and I said aloud, “Oh that’s not good.” Meconium is the official term for a baby’s first poop and it is thick, black, and tar-like. We are taught to fear without exception when it occurs during labor. However, it’s common for babies to pass their first bowel movement as labor nears its end, or even during late pregnancy as their bowels mature. Please read this article by Dr. Rachel Reed if you would like to learn more.
A nuchal hand. I sustained two minor tears during labor and I remember wondering if I could have done more to prepare my body during pregnancy. A year or two later, I found out my son had a nuchal hand when he entered the world - a hand next to his head. Knowing that, I now feel the tears were somewhat unavoidable. Would pushing more slowly have made a difference? Perhaps. But I no longer feel that I was unprepared.
It was a long, extraordinary two days. I try not to hold any regrets around my birth experience. But after all I have learned as a doula, the “what if” seeds have been planted. The biggest one being what if I had hired a doula? I don’t necessarily feel that I needed a doula for myself, but my husband would have benefited ENORMOUSLY from a doula’s presence. To his credit, I never once felt like I was lacking in support - he was amazing. But unbeknownst to me, he suffered for it. A doula would have given him time for a bathroom break here and there. A doula would have assured him that things were progressing normally. He would have come out of the experience feeling confident and sure of himself as a partner and parent. That is a one big regret I hold.
It is also never too late to request a copy of the medical notes or chart from your birth. When I sat down to write this post I realized that although I debriefed with my midwife when my son was two, I never saw my birth chart. Now that I have that in hand, I will need to do some thinking and integrating on a few more things.
